once started, the hardest part was over. the addiction set in fast and i effortlessly poured endless hours of myself and my time into blogging. realizing i could make money doing it was the next logical step.
when a competition arose, i sprang. i read the requirements and since that singular moment, i had no doubt i would win. not out of conceit but because i understood exactly what i needed to do. i went into it with that attitude and though i don't believe in fate, i do believe if you want something strongly you will put in the necessary effort to realize it.
the night i found out i won was my last genuinely happy day as a blogger. matt and i popped a bottle of champagne to celebrate. the crazy amount of work and effort, our beloved cat nearly dying -- it had all turned out ok. we'd all be better for it.
but if you know this ancient chinese proverb, you know only time can tell the true outcome of things. i was in for many surprises. with the perks came heavy disappointments and the unmistakeable sense of being used. but even given that, still, we'll see. not all has played out just yet.
which is precisely why i'm not complaining. experiences are what we make of them and i like to practice making the best possible of everything i come across. but truth be told, blogging as myself for a company killed something i just recently started getting back. it may be awhile more until it comes back fully.
before it became a paycheck, when it was entirely my own, blogging had a sense of purpose i hadn't felt until months after it stopped being a paycheck again. sure i made mistakes early on and probably said a lot of dumb shit i would later re-evaluate & rewrite. but that's the great thing about a blog. that's the whole point. it's an evolution. of yourself, your thoughts, your style, your writing, your skills, your anything. it changes as you do. like a living portfolio.
people love to criticize the realm of digital interaction. they love to say "things like facebook" are a waste of time. that we as people and our life's moments become less special when reduced to a url. but as with anything else, it depends on how you use it. blogging made me a better, more conscious writer because it gave me a reason to write more often. i'm a better photographer, editor, model and stylist thanks to it as well. not everything you create will be awesome. sometimes it won't even be remotely good. but the act of continuous creation, publishing and receiving fast feedback makes digital interaction a great tool. and it is scientifically proven to be a trillion and a half times preferable to sitting around with your thumb up your ass doing nothing while criticizing those who do something.
for some time now, i'd forgotten what made blogging special to me. i'd forgotten how it felt to have a place to pour your creativity instead of letting the excess energy and subsequent 'idea parade' drive you mad as you stay up all night pacing. blogging had been my cure for that, but i no longer felt the same connection with it as before. for this reason the one piece of advice i can give with any certainty is: never agree to do anything that uses your persona for its benefit while forbidding you from being able to use it as your own.
time does heal all wounds though, even if scars are left behind. so, without making this sound too "epic cliché" -- i've arrived at a new chapter in this living, breathing, ever-changing portfolio called a blog. a return to what first brought me here... except with more experience under my belt. i won't make the same mistakes but i will totally make new ones. i promise. because that's how we learn. and cause mistakes can be fun and so much better than some ridiculous illusion of perfection. ask fiona. she knows.
and you may have realized by now, but the photos in this post have nothing, technically, to do with this topic except for the fact that they were 'lost photos' from past shoots i'd meant to do something with. so it's like... a theme type thing. just go with it. winky face.